Pinnacle of Laziness

I'm childless. By choice or laziness, take your pick. In my 20's as my friends were aching to have babies and could hear nothing save for the droning tick-tock of their biological clocks, I heard silence. Rooms full of silence. I assumed my clock was digital and went on about my life.

I've never been a woman who had an ache to have children. It's not that I wanted to have children or didn't want to have them. I assumed I'd have kids at some point. I just never got around to it. When I met The Good Mr. he was very upfront with me that he did not want any more kids. That was fine by me and I nary gave it another thought.

Well, now the battery's been removed and the more time passes, the more I find I have a need for our grandchildren. As much as they are a joy to me, it is a bittersweet feeling to watch his children create new families and move through the 'normal' stages of life. Stages and rites of passage that are foreign to me. As much as I love them, I catch a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes when she hugs me or when I hear his clear and strong voice.

Children are miraculous. Doesn't mean I have to have one of my very own. I am good just enjoying someone else's child. I like the option of being able to give the child back to her rightful caretaker when I've reached my limit.

It's an awesome responsibility, in the truest sense of the word, to raise and guide another human being through all the stages of life. Hell, I can barely manage to keep our dogs well-behaved. People? Oy, makes my head spin...

I have tremendous respect for women who have children. I can't imagine how they do it no matter how many times I visualize all that comes with it: working, living, raising a child, sustaining a loving marriage, nurturing friendships, being a good citizen, having time for myself [and I require lots], grocery shopping, endless piles of laundry, and pursuing my own dreams. I think I'd need a Nanny, a full-time Housekeeper, a Cook, a Chauffer, a Personal Assistant and very frequent solo vacations. See, not a good match between me and motherhood.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty groovy woman. I'd have been a good Mother. Albeit quite likely a very frazzled one but a good Mother nonetheless. I have much to offer. I am loving. My life experiences would guide me in parenthood, I'm sure. Patient, not so much but I guess I'd learn that by default. I'm about to get a pair of nieces so I'll just have to turn the hose on with them. I'll be a good Auntie.

The people most curious of my childlessness have always been children. It's an awkward moment when I look into the face of a child who has just asked me The Big Why. I don't have a stock answer for a youngster. One more than one occasion, I've lied. Not my proudest moments - lying to a child - but ones I've chosen nonetheless.

As one can imagine, my circumstance has created sadness for my parents. They have so desperately wanted grand-children. My Grandmother wants a great-grand-baby. She's about to get a pair of them but not from me. As her only grand-daughter, I sometimes feel I've failed her. As her only daughter's only daughter, I sometimes feel I've failed both women. My feelings of failure occasionally linger, snuggling in under the covers with me like little girls at a slumber party.

The message was always that girls grow up to be Mothers. We might also grow up to be doctors, President of the United States, scientists, lawyers [not a popular one in my family full of physicians but still an option], police officers, etc. ad nauseum. For sure, there was an underlying melody that having children makes for a complete and fulfilling life.

Ummm... ok. But I opted out. Now what?

I don't know what I'm doing here in this life... I surely haven't learned my life lessons... I've no clue what it all means except to try to do the next right thing at every opportunity. And if, at the end of my life, that's all there is... then so be it. I'm powerless to change the grand plan [if there is one].

What I know in my heart is true: I am loved. I have known great love. I have given love. I continue to seek to love deeper and wider today than I did yesterday - every today and every yesterday...

And that has made me whole despite being childless...